ventard

hilarious.

2008-05-22T03:58:00.003+08:00

How to make a Venneline

Ingredients:

1 part competetiveness

1 part arrogance

5 parts instinct

Method:
Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Add wisdom to taste! Do not overindulge!

Mountain.

2008-02-07T14:06:00.001+08:00

Sometimes you have to wonder where it all began. When did the mistakes start to happen. Instead, you are pondering at the foot of a hill next to a landslide of calamities. A giant lump of mud and screw ups. I guess it's time to suck it up and shovel everything back into place. I'm not ten years old anymore. I have my own shovel.

But..

sometimes I just feel like kicking it all down hill again.

Futility.

2007-11-11T11:21:00.001+08:00

People always say that the worst feeling in the world is regret. There is a wallowing feeling when you think about the things that could have been done. The things that might have been.

Regret.

When all the questions within yourself surfaces at inopportune moments. That aching feeling in your gut. Why.

Why didn't I?
Why couldn't I?

Regret.

When you think back on the alternatives you could have taken. What if you took the road less traveled. What.

What could've been?
What would've been?

However, I do not consider the worst feeling in the world to be regret. If you actually dig deeper into the gist of the matter, what inspires this universal fear of regret within humans is the actually feeling of helplessness.

Helplessness.

Even if you have regrets of what has been, there is always something you can do from that point onwards to atone. You cannot reverse the damage. You cannot erase it from history. However, you can always atone for it. It at the very least makes room for reassurance.

With this horrid feeling of helplessness, there is nothing you can do. Nothing. There is no atonement. No actions to be taken. No plan to be made. Any viable outcome seems out of reach. Every train of thought crashes into a wall. It is futile. You cannot do anything but move on. When I say move on, you and I know there is nothing more difficult or tedious. It is not a matter of want. It more of a matter of when. The time will come. Maybe today. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe years later. At the very moment however, all you can do is sit there and wallow in your misery. You can rack your brain. Think as hard as you can. Deep down, you know there is nothing you can do. Helpless. That's what you're feeling. The inevitable frustration at your situation will kick in soon. Impending tears will try and squeeze their way out of your sockets. Hug your pillow tightly. Punch the wall if you must. But rest assured, there is nothing else you can do.

Helplessness. Futility.

How depressing.

Insomnia.

2007-11-08T12:59:00.001+08:00

Sometimes when I can't sleep, I look around me in the darkness. The blankness in my mind astounds me. I dread the heaviness looming around the corner waiting to make its presence known. I sit up and lean my warm neck on the cool bars of my creaking bed, willing my heart to calm itself and my blood to stop rushing. Soon, I slip my feet into my slippers and walk to my laptop, staring at the bright screen amidst the darkness like a poor soul looking for salvation. Checking my email for what seems like the hundredth time, I sigh. Desperately looking for a way to welcome the calming abyss of slumber, I sit on the cool porcelain of the toilet bowl and light a stick. I stare blankly at the walls and wonder why am I doing all this. Is it simply because I cannot find sleep? Refusing to let myself think too much, I just walk lethargically back to my claustrophobic bed. Instead of the calming effect I was looking for, I now can feel every ounce of blood rushing up to my head and pounding in my heart. The inevitable heaviness settles in. I feel my chest constricting. I hate this more than I hate laundry days.

Even I have my limits.

Cigarettes.

2007-10-31T08:25:00.000+08:00

I sit here alone on a park bench. Dragging in a deep breath of cold autumn air, I sigh. I am surprised by my own musings. Leaning my head back, I exhale a puff of smoke as I watch the breeze help the ochre leaves drift slowly downwards. I squint as the afternoon blues shined on my face, enjoying the recently rare warmth. I watch through heavily lidded eyes, the people walking by in their own world. I wonder if that's what they see when they look at me as I sit here. I give in to the urge and welcome the darkness. Only the smells and sounds can touch me now. I hear the dryness of the leaves as they rustle. People talking on cell phones. Friends laughing as they walk by. I feel a slight heaviness on my chest. I lift my hands to my face to let the smoke lighten the feeling. I watch the as the rings float gently, but it does nothing to soothe me. The wind picks up. I open my eyes and took a last drag. I sigh once more and head back to my room.

It's just another manic Monday.

Fall.

2007-10-06T04:23:00.000+08:00

As the sultry summer air swarms our skin with sweat,
I will hold you.
As the fall foliage flutters its leaves of color,
I will adore you.

Dip your toes into the sun kissed lagoon of deep blue,
And watch as my world comes alive.

Confidence.

2007-10-04T08:20:00.000+08:00

Maybe it's just me, but the thought of being second best irritates me to no end. Perhaps it is just my ego talking. However, I prefer to think that there is no worse place to be. Being third or last merely means you have ways to go before being the champion. Being in the place of the first runner up builds an insurmountable wall in front of me. Sometimes I just feel like it just wants to taunt me. Saying that I am this close to being on the top, yet I can't quite get there.

It's vexing, really.

I hate the idea that people can make you feel like that. Add ego into the mixture and you get an even bigger mess. Life is never neat and tidy.

I need to clean this mess.

Menagerie.

2007-09-05T05:54:00.000+08:00

The skies are blue here in Kalamazoo. It has rained not once since I arrived. It's a conspiracy to make me sweat I tell you. This place is an overglorified excuse for civilization. Yesterday I went for paintball and the only thing that is more annoying than getting shot in unmentionable places is the omnipresence of the bloody mosquitoes. I was trying to drown myself in the army grade repellent . At that point of time, dying to insecticides seems like the lesser of the evil that is mosquitoes with elephantitis.

I digress.

Paintball is like the real equivalent of Counter-strike. I'm serious. The only difference is that you're not in your room, sitting under the air-conditioner and letting the mouse do the running for you. Then again, we didn't go to those fancy paintball places. The guys already have their own equipment, with guns and everything down to helmets, glooves and gun oil.

"..."

I know. I said the same thing.

Still, paintball is surprisingly fun.

Sometimes I know I think too much. Not really a good thing. Not really a bad thing. One thing however, is that it generates unnecessary thoughts. I wish I can just let it go.

Spontaneity is the word of the day.

Damp.

2007-08-21T11:44:00.000+08:00

What is Yesterday?

Isn't it simply the day before Today? In Tomorrows we look back at Yesterdays.

Yesterday I was born. Yesterday I laughed. Yesterday I cried. Yesterday I fell. Yesterday I stood up. Yesterday I glared. Yesterday I gazed. Yesterday I slept at 5 in the morning. Yesterday someone bought me lunch. Yesterday I studied. Yesterday I spoke to a friend on the cell.

Everything we know and felt is in a Yesterday. Everything we are about to feel Today is a product of Yesterdays long past.

If so, what is Tomorrow?

Today I walked in the rain.

-

Lethargy.

2007-08-08T10:50:00.000+08:00

I was so bored and lame that I drew a hazy "painting" of khei. Yay finished in 32 mins and still bored. I forgot to mention that there are millions of squirrels here. I wonder where they go during the winter? Do they hibernate? I remember Chip and Dale don't.

I'm so random.

Moderation.

2007-07-08T17:05:00.001+08:00

Life has been busy. The good kinda busy. Yet, I feel all so free at the same time. Campus is beautiful. Not in the classic sense but I simply love the architecture. The buildings are mostly at least a century old. It's summer now and I like how empty it is here. When fall comes around it's going to be a mad rush. There's this huge lawn they call the Oval. It has paths running across and along it with a sparse scattering of tall trees. Now during the summer time, UV loving white chicks tan themselves wearing nothing more than overglorified pieces of cloth (bikinis). Although I actually have to walk all the way across the Oval to get to class (classes in the North of campus), I'm actually beginning to like it. It smells of freshly mowed grass (well they mow it a couple of days once) and the wind is refreshing instead of the still air in class.

I actually like my lecturers. They are awesomely nice. I have plenty of choices for dining. I am too lazy though (not surprising) so I go to the dining commons near my place. It's called the Marketplace. There is rice, sushi, pasta, pizza, wraps, salads, soups etc. I love my cave (translation: room). Yeah. KC, my roommate is practically as messy as I am and we both live like slobs. I do laundry in the basement where they have washing machines and dryers. It's really quiet and I can actually get some work done. Although I wasn't really the greatest social butterfly back in KL, I feel like I've dropped a level lower here. Sometimes I don't feel like meeting new people at all, or making the effort to go out and mix around. I guess I became too complacent with my life in KL. Small talk becomes boring and dull.

Sometimes I feel like some people expect too much. They think you don't know what they want. They think you don't know how they think. They even have the gall to think that you don't realise anything. Well news for you buddy. I DO know what you want. I DO know how you think. Don't even insinuate I dont realise. Here's a low blow. I DO realize but I DO NOT WANT to do anything about it. So don't just assume I don't know you well enough. Don't ASSUME you know ME well enough. Just because I remain quiet doesn't mean you keep going. If it's too complicated to comprehend, don't try. Don't waste either my time or yours.

Certain things are simple. If you feel or think a certain way towards a subject, act like you do. If I hurt your feeling, I certainly am sorry but don't presume to get anything more from the way you've acted.

The heat of summer.

Wanderlust.

2007-05-28T12:21:00.000+08:00

Reading back on my own post I realized how quite naive I was about going off. Anticipating it seemed so long ago and now I'm leaving in less than 2 weeks time. Not ready, not ready at all. Still loads of stuff to do (e.g. buy new macbook or locate old luggage bags) and not much time to actually get down to it. Well I didn't forget to consider my own procrastination habit. Still feel a little unwilling to leave KL, though not sure why. Maybe it's that I've grown up here, ate good food, learnt some, met some, learnt a bit more, loved some. If anything I learnt a lot. Attachments are hard to break. Those ties that bind simply wont let go. Maybe that's why I feel that little tug at my heartstrings towards home. I never figured myself to be one so sentimental, especially regarding said topic.

People adjust when they engage a new environment. You did. I will.

I promise not to cry at the airport.

Compromise.

2007-04-25T14:36:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wish certain people would not lead me on. It just vexes me when I think of all the hassle, both physical and emotional, that I could've avoided if (un)said person would just make it clear. I know sometimes the simplest things can be difficult to utter. Minute details may be missed or maybe even ignored. However, can you please give a thought to the other person. That person might be waiting for a sign. A gesture as simple as a phone call or a message might just be the symbol the poor soul is waiting for.

At times a simple 'Yes' or 'No' is greater appreciated than a 'Maybe'. I really despise ambiguity when it can be avoided. Why must you torture yourself (and me) by converting simple issues into difficult and time consuming decisions. Sometimes, solving or deciding a problem is only as simple as it's pro and cons. A smooth application of logic and a dab of imagination gets things done a whole lot more efficiently rather than trying to add that emotional ingredient into the mix.

If you don't want to do a certain task, is it really that hard to just say it aloud? If you don't feel obliged to, is anyone forcing you? If you find yourself making a promise you have no intention of keeping or even have doubts about fulfilling, SLAP YOURSELF NOW. Why make the promise in the first place? To waste my time? To waste yours?

I'm no saint. I know that. I accept that. But why is it that when I have good and unselfish intentions, something goes awry? Why does my plan keep falling apart? Sometimes, things like these happen and I start to question why I even bother in the first place.

You're lucky I'm not one for grudges.

Superwoman.

2007-03-16T16:30:00.000+08:00

I blame my lack of posting on the lack of internet. Okay I'm lying, that's just one of the reasons. Second being my own brand of lazy.

ARGH.

I just have to complain about my post being kapooted of the internet. I think either blogspot hates me or i just forgot to press the "save draft" button. Either way it sucks and I have to retype everything so don't expect it to be as detailed as the first time around.

First things first. The good news is that both unis I applied to has responded in favor (Ohio State University/Iowa State University). Everyday I check the mail hoping for a sight of that lovely UPS standard brown paper that holds the documents of my future. Alas, all I see is yesterday's junk mail no one wants to throw. My obsessive/kiasu nature had me panicking and so I found myself checking my gmail again and again. Until one day I realized that the kind lady mentioned it'll take at LEAST a week OR TWO before they can get it mailed. A quick check confirmed that the e-mail had been sent hardly 4 days ago, making me feel like a bigger idiot then I already am.

So anyways, in January 2007, I did something totally out of character for me. Yes. Something you would never thought I'd do (if you know me well enough). Okay I'm dramatizing things again. I went to get a job. As a cafe assistant (fancier name for waitress). I can see the masses fainting already. Imagine my parents' reaction. My mom predicted I wouldn't last a week. Well, so did everyone else actually. My dad was about as reaction-less as a lamppost. Well, until he realized the absurdity of me contributing to the workforce. All I got for my decision was a snort and a decrease in allowance ("since you'll be be earning money"he said). Bah.

Working at Ms.Reads was a good experience. I learned that there are more weird people in the world than not. Firstly they let you start off dong nuubie things. Like putting you at the front desk. All I did for those two days were limited to, "Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening, Sir/Ma'am". Followed by "Smoking or Non-smoking?". All accompanied with a sickly sweet smile and incredibly fake voice. I was praising the high heavens when they moved me after those two hellish days of boredom. Some of my co-workers got the honor of staying there for two weeks. Thanks to their lack of any real logic or socializing skills.

The cafe is divided into 3 sections A, B and C (the smoking section). Section A is the quieter side of the cafe near it's entrance with plush looking seats and cushions. Naturally (and logically), customers would want to sit there. However, Ms.Read closes that section until the insides fill up (section B). Apparently, this is the cue for customers to ask you to specially open section A for them as if you owe them something. They will try to convince you in many ways but these are the two most common. First is when the customer becomes annoyingly sweet and thinks they can win you over with their charm. Second being those with an incredibly pompous aura, in which they think they can awe you with their "status" and shiny bling-blings. Nothing gives me more satisfaction than to tell them, "No freaking way!!", in a nicer way and together with a fake voice.

I wish people would stop asking me what I've been doing lately besides bumming. It's quite tiring to repeat the word "nothing" again and again. Usually my answer would be followed by a blank stare and I would have to elaborate in a polite tone even though I'm not feeling particularly polite. I mean, what's wrong with doing nothing? Does DotA count? Sometimes I regret not doing something more worthwhile with my time. Like learning Chinese or Japanese, Take up some life skills like cooking. I can't live on Maggi and Indomie forever (contrary to popular belief).

Last night I met up with Michelle I & II (one being my 2bf hu hu hu), Jason and Marcus. Haven't seen them all in a while. Everyone is so busy with their lives but it still amazes me how comfortable we are with each other. None of that polite small talk. You know, the one where everyone pretends to be interested in each others life when they're not. Nope, we still banter and tease amongst ourselves. I'm going to miss these times.

Flair.

2006-10-12T00:36:00.000+08:00

Sometimes you try your best, yet your best just ain't going to cut it. So what happens then? What are you going to do? Maybe you think, this is not my best. I can do better. Are you sure? Is all that hard work going to be something fufilling? Maybe there's no point trying. If I continue what I'm doing now, and fool people into thinking I'm something I'm not.. Wouldn't that be better in a way? Secretly you think, does hard work and effort really get you somewhere? Maybe, just maybe.. There is this huge unconquerable wall that you can't pass no matter how hard you try. The wall so large and impenetrable. The wall that leaves a gap between the ordinary and the special. The wall called.. Talent.

But isn't it true what they say? That everyone has their own talent, their own unique capability and aptitude they were born with. So I might really have a skill that's unique to no one but myself. Is that what you're thinking? That you have a special know-how or maybe a forte in something in particular. Is that so? Then, what is that little voice nagging in your head? It's small yet you can't ignore it. It tells you, "What if my specialty.. is being good at nothing?".

People say they strive for the best. They do what they can to reach the top. Put everything they can into making their dream into reality. Wake up. This is not a drama you see on TV. Your story may not end with a happy ending. Thinking that everything will end up nicely for you, slaving right up to the end. Wouldn't you regret it? Wouldn't your last wish be that you didn't work so hard all the time? Don't you regret not going for something else? Something you actually want and not your parents or your friends or what expectations that have been put upon you? When the final chapter of your life is closing, can you be sure enough as to say, "I'm satisfied with all that I have done."

I am a hypocrite. I say all this but secretly, I still hope for the best. I may not work as hard as I should but I still hope for that flowery happy ending you see in Korean dramas. I know that sometimes people get frustrated at me for saying the things I say and doing the things I do. However, you must believe me when I say that if I do hurt your feelings, it's not from evil intent. It's just honest to goodness me. Me. I believe that I truly am lucky. Blessed with many things others are not. Yet I cannot be satisfied. I want everything. I want the world. I want to be the author of my own happy ending. Am I selfish?

Yes I am.

Ludicrous.

2006-09-20T16:56:00.000+08:00

Once upon a time, there lived a foolish traveller who was very kind. His greatest joy was to give happiness to others in any way he can. So trusting and foolish he was, that people cheated him wherever he went without a word of thanks. He would fall for their pitiful pleas and give them whatever he could from his very own back. Slowly, the foolish travellers belongings became less and less. He would listen to the stories trustingly, often even shedding tears of sorrow and compassion.

Finally cheated of all his worldly possessions, the foolish traveller ran into the forest to hide his naked form from the world. Even then, the demon who resides in the forest, hearing of this legendary foolish traveller, endeavoured to cheat him still. The demon approached him and told him of his need for the traveller's body in order to save his sister’s life. The foolish traveller once again agreed.

The forest demon ate his body whole and gorged out the traveller's eyes, leaving only his head behind. “Here”, the demon laughed mockingly. “This is a present to show you my gratitude for saving my sister’s life.” That too, was a lie. All the demon left behind was a slip of paper with the word Idiot written on it.

“Thank you!”, the foolish man wept. Confused, the demon questioned “Why? Why do you thank me so, you foolish man?” Smiling with his half-eaten lips, the traveller sobbed “Well you see, this is my first time ever receiving a present.” Tears slid out from his hollow sockets endlessly and the traveller died alone out in the wild.

Confused as to what it all meant, I thought deeply about the foolish traveller and how he was cheated by all he met. Even so, he still cried without knowing what his gift was. The foolish man was just happy beyond words when someone gave him a simple acknowledgement. Finally, I understood. I thought to myself ‘That’s true love.. isn’t it?’ Caring not for himself but who he loves. Not looking for any rewards. Finding joy in the joys of others. Doing what you can for those you love. Just a simple thank you or even small gestures to let him know you appreciate is enough for him.

From what I see, it’s not the traveller who is truly foolish. It’s you. For snickering at his back. Cheating on him. Slowly stripping him of his pride. Taking advantage of his kindness. Everyone has their own foolish traveller. When you find yours one day, tease and torment him not. For someday, you will inadvertently become someone else’s foolish traveller too. So pray that your loved ones love you in return and cherish those who truly care for you. Don’t look upon them as foolish. They merely appreciate pure, true love for what it really is.

Have you found your foolish traveler?

Relativity.

2006-09-04T00:20:00.000+08:00

Just sitting and letting your thoughts run free. Amazing what you can come up with. At this point i'm still surrounded with uncertainty. Did i use to be this way? Unsure about so many things. Maybe i just didn't put so much thought into it before. I remember sleepless nights before SPM. That constant cloud above me that just feels so heavy.

Trust is something that takes a long time to build. One wrong move and it's gone. Shattered like shards of a broken mirror. You can try to put it back together but it will never be the same again. The only thing you can do is to build it back again slowly. Piece by piece. But sometimes you just wanna say to heck with it. Buy a new freaking mirror. Put it all behind you and start anew.

That's what i really feel like doing. I can't wait to go to U.S. and start something fresh. I know it's not as great as i make it out to be. But, by being here i feel like i'm stagnating. i'm sure you know what i mean. It's that feeling that you're in a transition period of your life. Everyday is going by just because time says so. Classes are finishing one by one, people are flowing by and time is ticking. Amidst all the chaos, i'm standing there. Jostled by the crowd only because i have no direction of my own.

I need to find where i need to be.

Elevation.

2006-08-25T02:53:00.000+08:00

It was as if we were trying to outrun the night. That was how i felt as the plane flew further away from Melbourne and closer towards home. Eventually the night caught up. Inevitable. At the elevation of 40,000 meters and flying at an average speed of 900 km/h, dusk fell upon us and the sky painted itself in a unique blend of purple and ochre. I blinked. As my eyes opened slowly, the stars chose that moment to reveal themselves to me. I felt as if i could just brush them with my fingers. I never felt closer to Heaven as i did at that moment. A truly special moment.

The sunset, immortalised at Kelly's balcony on the 16th of August 2006.

Melb - City of Malaysians

2006-08-23T01:11:00.000+08:00

I've been in Melbourne for the past 17 days. Arupt, I know. Anyway, i'm still here actually. Tonight's my final night here in this city of unspeakable cold. Maybe i'm being sentimental. Maybe I'm bored. Either way something is compelling me to blog.

My god stuff here is expensive. I mean, i'm averaging 10 Aussie Dollars per meal or so. That's like 30 ringgit dude. I taught myself to stop converting before i suffer an aneurysm. 3 Dollars sounds so much more acceptable then 9 ringgit. Food here is good. So far I haven't actually had anything that sucks balls. Then again, people have been bringing me to eat wherever and whenever so I doubt they would introduce something sucky on purpose. (I hope)

People here walk a lot. I mean A Lot. Everything is within a walkable distance. Anything else that isn't is accesible by tram. By the way, a tram is this wannabe train that stops every block or so. You buy a ticket when you get on or get caught if you dont (or if you're unlucky). I think i've sat the tram at least 20 times but bought a ticket only like.. 5 times. If you get caught, say your prayers. Fine = 150 Aussie Dollars.

gg.com.au

I met up with a lot of friends. People i thought i'd never see again. I've come to realize how much i've misjudged some people but at the same time how well i knew some people all along. Some surprised me, others merely made me sigh. Sometimes, i simply feel elated. Other times, just disappointed. I'm impressed how some people can be such hypocrites. I know everyone has some element of hypocrisy. Yet..

One day, you might realize you have developed a higher tolerance. Say someone does something you absolutely hate. You can't help but feel irritated. Just looking at that person might be a little tiresome even. You might feel the urge to say something dry or sarcastic. Yet, you don't. You tolerate that person's little quirks and occasional weirdness. So you might be wondering. Since when did you become a tolerant person? Think again. Did you really become more tolerant? Maybe.. just maybe.. it's because you care about that person enough that saying something or just pointing out the quirks might hurt that person's feelings. That's right. You're just being more sensitive and aware of that person you care for. Good for that person. Look at what a good friend you're being. Isn't that person lucky to have you? Definitely. You couldn't say it better yourself. Give yourself a clap on the back. Know why?

Because you're the only one who noticed.

Friendships are important no doubt. I believe the reason God made friends was because He never intended for anyone to walk alone through life. Friends are there when you're down. They help you even when you dont realize you need help. They do favours for you even when you dont ask them to. Above all, i believe friendship is simply the gift of oneself to another. Thank you for sharing this gift with me.

.

Resistance was futile.

2006-07-28T20:18:00.000+08:00

AWESOME PEOPLE I WOULD WANNA TO MEET:
1. Zidane, to ask him why he did it!
2. Tun Mahathir over lunch

3. Gabby (a good friend i haven't met face to face) over dinner
4. My Grandad over supper/a drink were he alive
5. Others who also want to meet awesome people.. snigger* :p

THINGS I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT:
1. information - my obsessive-compulsive thing
2. money
3. food
4. my car
5. computer slash internet slash dota slash anime

I WISH I COULD:
1. Speak these languages/dialects as well as I do English - Mandarin, Cantonese, Japanese, Korean, German, Spanish and Hokkien
2. Have all the time in the world to procrastinate as much as i want
3. Have taken the time to learn a musical instrument
4. Have an infinite amount of funds - shallow.. i know :p
5. Eliminate stupid drivers

I WANT:
1. To be able to buy myself a nice car by 25.
2. To have the courage and perseverence to follow up on what i know i should be doing.
3. To know more.
4. To care more.
5. To do more.

SONGS THAT I THINK ARE AWESOME:
1. Your Song - Elton John
2. Drops of Jupiter - Train
3. Here Without You - 3 Doors Down
4. Top of the World - Carpenters
5. Breathing - Lifehouse

HOW I SEE MYSELF IN 10 YEARS:
Er. A couple of years back i didn't even think i would be who i am today. Therefore, i don't think i can predict who i would be tomorrow much less in ten years time. I'm living in today and hoping for the best for tomorrow. I will make it happen. Smack me if i don't.

RANDOM FACTS:
1. I went to SRIKL when i was younger and hated it there.
2. I get annoyed when people say "call you in a while" and they dont.
3. I like to win arguments.
4. I love traveling.
5. I’m full of ideas, but am horrible at seeing them through - or taking my own advice.

MISCONCEPTIONS:
1. I’m strong.

2. I’m confident.

3. I’m pampered.

4. I’m aloof.

5. I don’t care.

Schokolade.

2006-07-19T15:48:00.000+08:00

Yep finals are coming up. Not sure when, maybe in two weeks time? Big problems are coming. I can feel it. I just went for an appointment with Ms.Sharifah who is the student exchange counselor here at ADP. American Degree Program for those of you who don't know. She gave me this long list of documents and things i have to settle before applying. It's longer and more annoying than the grocery shopping list. I swear.

Last week Kelly went to Melbourne. I tell you, Melbourne is sucking away people from Malaysia. During the goodbye I realized that i wouldn't miss Kelly very much. Or even at all actually. Yeah sounds mean and we were friends but.. things come to an end. I find that she's too self absorbed sometimes. Which makes being her friend a little too much hassle for my taste. Pieces people. Sigh.

I'm also a bit wary when it comes to money these few weeks. Ven is in financial difficulty. VTM (Ven Teller Machine) will be out of service for the next couple of weeks. Or at least until my money box is a few kilos heavier. Even my mom borrows from me. I mean, come on! I should start to charge interest i tell you.

I've always been observant about other people. Or so i thought. These past few months taught me that i'm not as aware as i would like to be. Not only about people. Even when it comes to general things, i'm proud to say that i've been very ignorant. Not that i'm proud of it to say the least. However, i am glad i noticed. Ignorance is not always bliss. For the other party, i mean.

This past few days i've been making a couple of new friends, meeting new people. Not bad i must say. For an anti-social person like me, it's quite an accomplishment. Wee! Although some are stranger than others. (Quite an understatement) Some people scare me. I hate being insecure.

So, now i'm just waiting for finals to be over. Waiting to sit for TOEFL. Waiting for my financial status to be restored. Waiting to apply to Uni. Waiting for my results. Waiting for 6 months to fly by faster. I hate waiting. I miss June.

I hope Penn State accepts me.

Choices

2006-07-16T23:50:00.000+08:00

Some things are best unspoken. Yet, some things are best said. How would i know when to act? Opportunity cost. You need to give up something to gain something else. Is the risk worth it? Was it a dream? Or an illusion? What does this mean? Questions lead to more questions. Answers lead to more questions. Should i? Would i?

I should not let what i cannot do stop me from doing what i can do.

But what's the point?

i'll miss you

2006-07-12T01:27:00.000+08:00

People are pretty consistent. Or so i've found out in the past 19 years of my life. Sure, they adopt new habits, change their lifestyle a little, but underneath it all.. they are pretty much the same. I like it when things turn out the way i have planned. You just can't get enough of that feeling when everything just falls into place exactly how you foresaw it. That satisfaction you get when you have just washed your car and it turns out to be a beautiful day. The sigh your parents gave at the sight of your first smile. Or even the euphoria of being able to just plop down after a hectic day at work.

You know what i'm talking about right? It's that moment when you just feel complete. Yeah.

Isn't it great? When your life has always worked the way it's supposed to be. Nothing feels out of place. I'm speaking about the bigger picture here, of course. You have a complete family in reasonably good financial state. Getting a good education now? Probably. Never really had to work hard for anything. Stuff just falls into place for you. Born with a silver spoon up your bum? Of course! Love it? Oh yeah!

So yeah, life's been pretty good to you so far. Consistent and stable. Kinda boring actually.

What would happen if something came along to mess it up? Well your initial reaction would be irritation of course. Why would anyone want to mess up something that's already in balance? You like harmony. You have always taken your time to evaluate something, then make a firm and confident decision. Then that irregularity has to be so fickle it drives you nuts. But wait.. you learn something new! Sometimes being too stubborn in your decisions can cloud your judgment. Still skeptical though. You like things to be done thoroughly, obeying a certain system of yours. Why is it so rash? So argumentative? So flighty? These are some of the questions you would ask but would get no answers to. Annoyed? Definitely. Maybe you're too stodgy then? What's wrong with a little spontaneity once in a while? Right?

You're getting more and more confused. What's with all this indecisiveness? Oh no, is it getting to me? What's with this inconsistency? But hold on, did life just became a little less predictable? You never know what that inconsistency wants, thinks or will do next. Instead of feeling scared, you have to wonder what it'll do next. Anticipation. You just became a little more self aware. Everything just became a little more different. Things seem a little new to you. You see things in a new light. You know, yet you don't. You realize and notice. It becomes fun. You're willing to learn. You discover. You appreciate. Life.

Life's little inconsistencies.

What happens when it goes away?

Rawr.

2006-07-01T03:07:00.000+08:00

Wee. My VenDemon won some Halloween thing which i wasn't aware that i won because i forgot to go back to check hahha. Now it's too late to claim the prize wtf!!

Isn't he so huggable?

Change is the only constant.

2006-06-28T23:11:00.000+08:00

Change is scary. No doubt about it. One by one, friends begin to drift away, moving on to new things, to further their studies. Going away to someplace foreign. Nothing is familiar. People and surroundings. Are you ready? Am I ready?

Change is new. Sights and sounds. The thrill of something unfamiliar. Culture shock. Some people need a fresh start to leave old things behind. A chance to move on and advance in your life. People can't remain static and stay in the past forever. Then again, there are people who can forget faster than you can say "Ooops".

I can't help but to be content where I am right now. I'm not afraid to say I'm afraid of change. Sure I'm curious of what's to come. What will happen when I finally leave? Will I like it there? Hate it? Will I be able to take care of my own expenses? Know how to move around? Where to go when I'm sick? Where to go when the plane lands? I don't think I know where to even board the fricking plane. Haha, am I really that sheltered? Ignorant of so many things.

Change is good. I have changed. People have changed me. In more ways than one. Unseen and in plain sight. People have taught me. I learned new things. About you and I. Yes, change is constant. It's what makes life interesting and our actions dynamic. It makes us who we are and who we become. Begin growing from where you are - not from where others think you ought to be by now. My gratitude goes to those who have changed me. For better or for worse.

Have I changed you?

Malaysia Boleh!

2006-06-20T21:45:00.000+08:00

Just the other day I was commenting on how some people of the world are just plain weird/stupid/alien. Yeah, there are many kinds. You know when you're in a rush and this moron crawls in front of you on the fast lane and wouldn't let you pass? Or when some people argue with you even though they're wrong and they just refuse to acknowledge it. Then there are those people who always thinks they're right and it just feels pointless trying to explain to them the logic.

ven: No, you see the reason it's like that is because.. *insert logical and factual reason*
moron: *insists* Nonononono!
ven: How can you be sure? *smug*
moron: BecauseLAH!
ven: *chardou*

Please see the light, you idiot. It really takes all kinds to fill this world doesn't it? "We should blame their parents", a friend of mine said. "LousyLAH their parents screw." *insert horny laughter* "Yeah, their kids a few screws missing.", laughs me. "Missing a few chromosomes maybe", said friend who's taking Bio. "NoLAH, embedded Malaysian gene probably" "Hahahhhaha!" and so forth.

This conversation reminded me of the conversation i had with Chiew Mei about something i said in another conversation before. No i didn't make it confusing on purpose. Anyway, you know how parents always complain about your behavior and say that in the future your children would become worse than you are now and torture you? So i was thinking.. That works both ways doesn't it? What did my parents do when they were a kid to deserve me? EUREKA! Because i was such a sharing kid, i told my mom my revelation. At this point, her response was along the lines of

mom: *shocked* Kids nowadays very clever to talk!

Gee, so were kids bad at speaking back then?

What a retarded and long-winded rant. I blame my parents. *coughs*

Broke a brand new paddle.

2006-06-17T02:42:00.000+08:00

Sigh. Have you ever had "the Worst Day Ever"? Nothing on that day will go right for you at all. Every single sunshine ray of happy will just somehow become rain and you just had to forget to bring an umbrella. Yeah. Worst thing is, somehow this day will start out looking like the best day ever.

Well, that's how today started out for me. But now as i sit here typing this out, i am sporting a cut inside my lip by trying to smack a wall with my face. Not only that, while looking for something to stop the bleeding, i became the proud owner of a "i'm not sure why it's hurting but it hurts like shit" toe because i kicked the wall in frustration. Not very bright. I know.

Have you ever wished you didn't say something that you blurted out for no real reason? It might have seemed funny to you but moments later you realized you just hurt someone really badly with that one comment. No ill intentions mind you, but still hurtful nonetheless. I could just say i'm merely being frank or honest, but is that really true? Some time ago i became aware that i'm quite insensitive. Okay, very insensitive when it comes to the things i say aloud. Sure i say it when i tease my friends.

But when does the teasing stop and the genuine insults being? How would i know if i have crossed that thin line? A friend of mine have mentioned that sometimes the things i say through my teasing are truly what i feel. Sigh. As i'm typing, i'm getting more and more annoyed and frustrated because all these questions have no real answers and today is still the W.D.E.. I also nearly killed a motorcylist and ran a red light in front of a traffic policeman. Ah, road rage.

I hate it that i'm capable of doing stupid things. I also hate the fact that apologizing is so hard for me. I hate it that people overreact and dont give me that chance to apologize. I hate the fact that it's my fault. I hate it that people can be so childish. I hate it when people make me worry because i hate this helpless feeling. But most of all, i hate it that i'm so affected by all this.

Tweedledum and Tweedledee.

2006-06-13T03:36:00.000+08:00

If you have found this blog on your own then, hurry!! Give yourself a pat on the back. Yes Dan, you're on of the lucky few so don't tell anyone shhh.

Blogging is becoming more and more common nowadays. Everybody and anybody is starting a blog. When I think about it, I realise that a blog need not be so long winded or filled with details of every second of your life. Example..

8.30 - woke up, ate breakfast
9.00 - went to brush teeth cos i forgot omfg!
9.15 - went for class
10.30 - finished class
10.45 - went for next class

Yeah.

In fact when Dan said if he did have a blog it would be like..

Daniel's blog:

Today was a beautiful day. The End.

In fact, I think that there's nothing wrong with it at all. Simple, yet able to convey what he felt on that particular day or maybe even on that very minute. Maybe he just got an A for Calculus II? Triple kill in dota? Became a millionaire? Of course, we're speaking metaphorically here. Even if you record down the sordid details of your past relationships, your broken heart's regrets, irrelevant things like even where your neighbor's dog pissed. One day, you'd be able to look back and see how far you have progressed. Read back on that moment where you were ready to run away from home, bitching when you missed the mega sale or even that time when you had to move on after breaking up and felt like it was the biggest catastrophe ever! Then laugh and think "I can't believe I was so immature". Well, either that or feel so embarrased you'd crawl under a rock.

Time heals all wounds as they say. Yet, time and tide waits for no man.